As the new year draws near, I cannot wait to see 2019 reach its climax. This year proved to be quite an action packed, strenuous, emotionally draining and a jaw dropping experience for me. Overall, it was a coalescence of peaks and valleys.
The year started with me getting engaged and then falling in love (yep, exactly in that order just like an ideal Indian cultured girl!). However, with a wrong man. So, I walked away from the fallacious match “so-not-made-in-heaven”(lets dwelleth on the details of that story some other time). Anyway, a few months later, I traipsed into another guy’s life (mostly because of family pressure to get married. You know how dramatic Indian parents get when their girl turns 28!). Therefore, to shush my folks, I convinced myself that I have moved on and started seeing this guy unaware that I was still bearing an unmended heart with bleeding wounds. Irony was, he saw a potential soulmate in me but for me he turned out to be a rebound. Needless to say, the relationship didn’t last long. I ended up breaking a very kind man’s heart upon the revelation that the remains of the last relationship were still buried deep within me. Not only did I manage to hurt this good man but also wounded up the feelings of our families who were eagerly anticipating our wedding. I could see the mixture of disappointment and pain swarming in their eyes on my disclosure. Right before my eyes I felt my whole world crashing down. As the reality of my life sank in, so did the guilt, anger and resentment. Consequently, my mind became a quintessential ground for melancholy. Insomnia became my constant companion. As I allowed the negative energy within me get the better of me, I started seeking solace in booze (yeah newsflash- I Drink!). However, saying so let me tell you from experience, alcohol doesn’t numb your pain as it is portrayed in the movies. If it does anything at all, then it hyperbolizes your emotions in the most hysterical way and leaves you embarrassed the next day. So, take it from me “Never drink when you feel low”.
Nonetheless, despite of all these setbacks which festooned my greater part of 2019, it was these very setbacks that turned out to be a blessing in disguise for me. To begin with, not only was I saved from a marriage that would have been an eternal disaster, destroying my life in the long run, but also the very realization that I walked away from this man despite the fact I loved him cause I prioritized self-respect, my strongly adhering principles and my family’s dignity and pride above everything else was in itself very empowering. It was this realization that acted as a catalyst to work on myself and my mental health. Not long after, I was diagnosed with depression and was started on therapy. Truth be told, I was battling depression for a long time, perhaps since my teen years (also a story for another time) but it was these series of events that made me focus on my mental health before it was too late.
The last three months of 2019 were my healing phase. It was during this period, I reflected on the lessons I procured from all the drama that happened in my life. I learnt that in order to mend a broken heart you need to go through it and not around it, as I did initially. I have grasped that giving your mental health preference is not selfishness but a necessity. It also made me count my blessings rather than complaining about what I don’t have or of what I lost. I’m blessed with a supportive family and very understanding friends. I cannot even start to express how grateful I am to my brother who was my rock during this whole time, my friends who held me close to them and kept on reminding me how strong I was and finally my parents who although could not decipher or understand what I was trying to tell them but regardless supported and trusted me.
They say God brings good out of evil and I truly believe that. The self-love and self-worth that once I thought was lost is what I discovered as soon as I decided to take charge of my life. I realized, me and solely me could change my life, no one else can do it for me. Yes, you cannot control what happens in your life, but you can always control how it makes you feel. Yes, the process is extremely hard but never impossible. Yes, you bear the scars your whole life but once you learn to revel in those scars you can see how it turns out to be sparkling stars. Because these scars are a very proof of what you have gone through and how far you have come. Yes, I made some terrible mistakes of hurting people both knowingly and unknowingly, but what matters is I don’t relive them every second of my life by dwelling on them and blaming myself. Because making mistakes is part of being a human, a part of me and you and we must learn to embrace it. Its true that absolution from others for your wrongdoing matters but self-forgiveness is indispensable. It aids you to grow and prosper. It helps you not to merely survive but thrive and bloom.
Overall, year 2019 did cause me extreme pain but also bought me incredulous joy. Like, my brother got married to the love of his life. I bought my first car with my hard-earned money. Moreover, I’ve started working on my passions of dancing and writing without much procrastination. Mentally I’m at peace. I’m eating healthy and I have lost few kilos that I gained due to binged eating. So, there it is- my two-edged version of 2019. I wish my 2020 be a much happier and a less dramatic chapter. But even if it is not, I will try to make the best out of it because the glass is never half empty but always half full.